What would happen if the federal government oversaw the day-to-day events of a homeowner? The following dialog may provide some insight. A pdf for download can be obtained by clicking on the link below, or simply read along in the post. The dialog’s already in process so let's listen in to what's going on:
Congressman Republican: That’s un-American!
Congressman Democrat: You’re un-American!
Congressman Republican: Your mom’s un-American!
Congressman Democrat: Hey that’s not true. I have the birth certificate right here.
Congressman Republican: That’s a blank piece of paper. Congressman Democrat you’re not Doctor Who.
Congressman Democrat: Ok, I know I have it. Wait, here it is…ah nope. That’s not it either. Oh, here. Got it. Ah, that’s not it either…….Oh, the state has just informed me that my mother’s birth certificate cannot be provided at this time.
Congressman Republican: Convenient
Congressman Democrat: Talking to birds is convenient.
Congressman Republican: Wait, what? Ah, you’re doing that thing where you say something random to distract me, hoping that I’ll forget what we we're talking about.
[Awkward silence]
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Congressman Republican: Hey, what’s for dinner, anyway?
Citizen Homeowner: I would really like an extra-large, cheese pizza. Doesn’t that sound good?
Mr. President: Is pizza really the healthiest option? Couldn’t we go for chicken and potatoes, or something?
Congressman Democrat: Actually pizza does sound good, but Mr. President you’ll be happy to know that we recently passed a new homeowners rule to the limit the orderable size of a pizza. Large is the biggest size you can get. You see, the problem is Citizen Homeowner is fat, and the food industry made him that way so we decided to start helping by regulating the pizza industry.
Mr. President: Brilliant!
Citizen Homeowner: First of all, I’m not fat. I’m a healthy 165 pounds and exercise regularly. Second of all, shouldn’t I be accountable for my own eating habits?
Congressman Democrat: No, it’s clearly the pizza industry’s fault you’re fat. The good news is that the e-Food Stamp I just sent you will cover the cost of the pizza and plus you’ll have some left over to get soda and chips.
Citizen Homeowner: I’m not fat.
Congressman Republican: Is this homeowners rule even constitutional?
The Courts: I can answer that. You see, we support any form of regulation that blames industry for all home-ownership and personal problems of said homeowner.
Congressman Republican: You didn’t answer my question.
The Courts: Yes, I did. You just didn’t interpret it correctly.
Mr. President: Congressman Republican, I believe The Courts appropriately answered your question. Remember the earmark that recently passed on your behalf that allowed Citizen Homeowner to make an addition onto his home for the purpose of neighborhood snail races?
Congressman Republican: Ah, yes, Mr. President I understand now.
Citizen Homeowner: By the way, those snail races have become a popular event and have gone on without incident. Except for when my dog got into the snail cage. Poor snails.
Congressman Democrat: Wait, you have a dog? When did you get a dog?
Citizen Homeowner: A couple weeks ago.
Congressman Democrat: How did this get passed me? What kind of dog did you get?
Citizen Homeowner: Golden retriever.
Congressman Democrat: Ughhh…gasp.
Congressman Republican: Oh boy, here we go.
Congressman Democrat: I can’t believe you said G*ld*n retriever
The Courts: We ruled in Dog vs. Norman that it’s discriminatory for an owner to refer to their pet by the color of their skin, fur, breed, gender, or animal type.
Congressman Republican: What can he call it?
The Courts: Technically “it” is on the discriminatory list as well.
Citizen Homeowner: Since you brought it up, my dog and I would like to redefine the meaning of owner and pet.
Mr. President: Brilliant!
Congressman Republican: And I didn’t think this could get any better.
The Courts: [on the phone] Secretary please cancel my tee-time for this afternoon. I’m expecting some new homeowner legislation to cross my desk soon.
Congressman Democrat: Citizen Homeowner what are you suggesting?
Citizen Homeowner: I believe it’s in the best interest of me and my, ugh, ugh, well you know who I’m talking about, to be referred to as “air” and “potato”.
Mr. President: Brilliant!
Congressman Republican: That doesn’t make any sense. For centuries, we’ve called the relationship owner and pet. It has worked quite well and now you’re introducing definition chaos!
Citizen Homeowner: The problem is my other neighbors have amended the HOA rules to traditionally define owner and pet.
Congressman Democrat: That’s just wrong.
The Courts: We define human/pet relationship as “air” and “potato”. Let it be done. Times can change and so can definitions. Let the chaos ensue!
Congressman Democrat: Citizen Homeowner, I didn’t realize you were part of an HOA. The fees must be horrendous.
Citizen Homeowner: Actually they are $45 a month - pretty reasonable for what they cover.
Congressman Democrat: Even so, how are you supposed to have an enjoyable middle-class lifestyle if you have to cover that fee on your own? We’ll cover it for you.
Citizen Homeowner: I just got a notice saying my taxes have gone up. Does anyone know anything about this?
Congressman Republican: Oh, here we go. Wait…for…it…
Congressman Democrat: We needed the funds to cover your HOA fee.
Citizen Homeowner: But my taxes went up $90?
Congressman Democrat: You’re covering your neighbor’s fee as well.
Mr. President: Brilliant!
Citizen Homeowner: I just got my paycheck from work.
Mr. President: Ooh, what does it say?
Citizen Homeowner: Negative $115. After everything I still owe the government $115.
Mr. President: Brilliant! You can make checks payable to Mr. President.
Citizen Homeowner: You do realize my check will bounce? After the government takes its money for taxes and other who knows what, I’m left in the red. And I still have to pay utilities.
Congressman Democrat: Since we are on the subject of utilities, scientific studies have shown that the average temperature of your home has gone up 0.0000001 degrees over the course of the last 10 years. We call it homal-warming.
Citizen Homeowner: Homal-warming? 0.0000001 degrees? That doesn’t sound very significant.
Congressman Democrat: But it is significant. Statistically significant in fact. The probability that your average home temperature would have increased by that exact amount is 0.000000000001%. It’s quite remarkable really.
Citizen Homeowner: But couldn’t the temperature just as easily have gone down?
Congressman Democrat: Citizen Homeowner, you’re smarter than you look, but we’re one step ahead of you. We’ve already updated our terminology from homal-warming to homal-change. That way if the temperature goes up or down, we’ll be right.
Citizen Homeowner: Congressman Republican, you’ve been very silent recently. Do you have anything to say about all this?
Congressman Republican: Sorry, I’m still filling out paper work to cover the redefinition of owner/pet. I have 10 pets, I mean potatoes, I need to account for.
Congressman Democrat: Citizen Homeowner we’ve linked the increase in temperature of your home to excessive use of your toaster.
Citizen Homeowner: What? Maybe I like toast. What’s wrong with that?
Congressman Democrat: Certainly nothing. You can do whatever you want as long as I agree to it first. Just know I’m on your side in this fight. I’m here to help you out. That’s why we’ve instituted a plan to regulate the toaster industry so that by 2030 all toasters will reduce their BTUs to 0.
Mr. President: Brilliant!
Citizen Homeowner: How does a toaster toast without heat?
Congressman Democrat: Trust me. You’ll thank me someday. We also have a similar plan in place for each of your vehicles. They will not be allowed to consume electricity or gasoline by 2030.
Congressman Republican: Congressman Democrat, is there anything you can’t help Citizen Homeowner with?
Congressman Democrat: Maybe I’ll turn the table and ask if there is anything you CAN help with? I’ve noticed that you haven’t provided any meaningful contribution to this dialog.
Congressman Republican: Now, that’s not true. I’ve opposed everything you’ve suggested.
Congressman Democrat: How is that helping?
Congressman Republican: Bright lights can be really shiny.
[Awkward Silence]
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Congressman Democrat: Touché
Citizen Homeowner: Mr. President. My wife and children have just formed something they call a union. They want to negotiate better benefits for their allowances.
Mr. President: Ah, very good. While you and Congressman Democrat were sorting through your toaster problem I contacted your family and relayed the benefits of a union.
Citizen Homeowner: But my wife is now asking for daily pedicures and my children each want $10 a day for their chores. They don’t even have daily chores!
Congressman Democrat: I just successfully passed the newest homeowner rule to increase minimum allowance to $15 a day per child. Spouses and significant others receive 10% of the full total amount summed together to come up with a large number that must be payable at 10:59 pm local time each day.
Congressman Republican: Wait, I didn’t get a vote on that!
Congressman Democrat: Ok, all in favor say lizard.
Congressman Republican: Lizard?
Congressman Democrat: Great. Lizards have it.
Citizen Homeowner: Congressman Democrat, my wife and children have come for payment. I don’t have the funds to pay my children, and I can’t make sense of the law to pay my wife.
The Courts: I can help interpret. Give your wife free access to use the family money as she pleases without need for accountability. You, on the other hand, get nothing.
Mr. President: By the way, you still owe the government $115.
Citizen Homeowner: It appears I need a government bailout to cover my allowance expenses. Without it, I may crumble.
Congressman Democrat: Now see that’s the spirit! You got it! And, don’t you fret about borrowing money. We do it all the time, and just look at how good we’re doing!
Congressman Republican: Really? Lizard? That was just cruel.
Congressman Democrat: Congressman Republican. You’re falling behind again. You really need to stay caught up. Things are changing quickly around here.
Congressman Republican: How about we pass a homeowners rule that allows said homeowner to carry a concealed spoon around his house?
Mr. President: Did Congressman Republican really just propose legislation? Kind of goofy legislation, really, but I’m impressed.
Congressman Democrat: Now Congressman Republican we are not in the business of granting freedoms here. You clearly have a lot to learn if you want to help Citizen Homeowner.
Mr. President: Congressman Democrat, I think we should throw Congressman Republican a bone this time. He hasn’t done anything productive this entire dialog and he has clearly strained really hard for a suggestion.
Congressman Democrat: Ok, but next time I won’t allow it so easily.
Congressman Republican: Wahoo! I’ve got to call my mom and tell her all about what’s just happened. She’ll be so proud!
Congressman Democrat: Citizen Homeowner, before you get your concealed spoon permit, you’ll need to pass a series of background checks and tests including but not limited to proper spoon handling, what to do if threatened by another with a spoon, and how to properly holster your spoon. Oh, and the filing fee for a permit is $5000.
Citizen Homeowner: Congressman Democrat, I can’t worry about that right now. There appears to be a large wall being built around the edges of my property.
Congressman Republican: Yes! That is my doing. My mom said she was proud of the great things I’m doing, and she encouraged me to continue doing great things. So I’m building a great wall around your premises to keep unwanted visitors out.
Mr. President: Congressman Republican you have the least brilliant ideas I’ve ever heard.
Citizen Homeowner: But what about visitors I do want to let in? My parents are flying in and I need to be able to let them through.
Congressman Republican: No problem. I’ve already accounted for that. All they need to do is pass x-ray, thermal scanning, and polygraph among other things.
Citizen Homeowner: Among other things? How long is the process to get cleared?
Congressman Republican: 3-5 business days.
Citizen Homeowner: But they fly in Saturday and are only here for three days.
Mr. President: This is a disaster.
Congressman Democrat: Congressman Republican is clearly in over his head. Let me tell you how to solve your visitor problem. I suggest you open your doors. Invite everyone in. You’ll cover their room, board, all educational, including college, expenses, medical care, and pension. There’s no better way to make friends than offer them everything they want for free.
Citizen Homeowner: But I have nothing left to give. I’m going to bed.
Mr. President: Congressman Democrat and Congressman Republican please report on what you’ve accomplished today.
Congressman Democrat: Mr. President, I’m pleased to announce that we didn’t accomplish anything of true significance today.
Congressman Republican: I second the announcement.
Mr. President: Then it’s been a good day.
